Joy Division

This recipe was passed on to me by a young Canadian man of great integrity, intellect and honour. The recipe is a labour of love. It is the culmination of months, nay years, of experimentation in the quest to make the perfect glass of joy juice.

Just before the aforementioned Canadian scholar departed the sandy paradise I currently inhabit, he worked with Eck and I to create what was, in my humble opinion, the greatest joy juice ever made in the short history of Sakaka, Al Jouf province. You will find the ingredients listed below, and I will also endeavour to walk you through the process of making it. If you follow my step by step guide and manage to produce a batch anywhere near as good as the famous June 2011 vintage, you will undoubtedly gain the respect of your fellow infidels, whilst quenching their thirst for the forbidden fruit so often consumed inside compounds throughout the Kingdom.

Equipment:

1 large pressure cooker (8 litre capacity is good)

1 plastic cyphering pump

1 gas cooker

A few empty clear plastic bottles to store joy juice in

Ingredients:

8 litres of grape juice; it must have no added preservatives.

7 cups (or glasses) of sugar

6 table spoons of yeast

Method:

Preparation is key when making joy juice. First of all you need to make sure your pressure cooker is thoroughly clean. To do this, boil some water in it and swirl around before pouring out. This will ensure there are no germs present to infect your brew. Hygiene is very important if you want to make a successful batch, this is one of the reasons you’re using a pressure cooker instead of a large bottle or jug.

Add half of the grape juice (4 litres) into the pressure cooker, and place it on the hob. Then heat gently whilst stirring in all of the sugar. Stir until the sugar has dissolved, but make sure the juice does not boil.

Once the sugar has dissolved, turn the heat down and let the juice cool down to a lukewarm temperature. Proceed to stir in all of the yeast; try and do this consistently to avoid the brew becoming lumpy. Stir this mixture around for a few minutes until all the lumps have disappeared and the juice has a smooth consistency. It is very important the juice does not boil.

Turn off the heat and leave the mixture to cool for 30 minutes. During this time the sugar and yeast will react and the juice should bubble.

After the brew has cooled/reacted for 30 minutes, add the other half of the juice (4 litres) into the pressure cooker. Stir again.

Put the lid on the pressure cooker and take it into an air conditioned room. The temperate must be 25 degrees Celsius, and you must leave the air conditioning on this temperate for the whole duration of the brewing process.

Leave the brew to react for 9 days.

On the 9^th day (in the morning), take the lid off your pressure cooker, without moving it, and proceed to carefully pump the joy juice, using your cyphering pump, from the pressure cooker into clear and clean plastic bottles. Do not pump from the very bottom of the pressure cooker, the bottom of the batch will be overly yeasty, and do not pump all of the brew out, leave a small amount at the end (you may lose half a litre at the very most). Place the bottles upright in the fridge, with their lids on, but not screwed on too tightly (they need a bit of breathing space otherwise the pressure may cause an explosion).

On the 9^th day (in the evening), take the bottles out of the fridge and use your cyphering pump to pump the joy juice into new plastic bottles, leaving any yeast at the bottom of the bottles which may have settled by then. Put these newly filled bottles in the fridge, and leave them overnight to chill.

On day 10 your joy juice will be chilled and ready to drink! By now you will have distilled it three times (from pressure cooker to plastic bottle to another plastic bottle), so the taste should not be so yeasty or sour. If you’ve followed the recipe correctly it will, in fact, taste like red wine!

Here are some pictures of the things you’ll need to create the masterpiece.

Disclaimer: all of the above is a joke. A fictional story of a recipe I have never tried to create, and never intend to… Hopefully that should keep the feds off my back (Insha’Allah)

Until next time, fica com Deus

Back on the block

After a mission back from Egypt to Jordan (a boat that was supposed to take one hour actually took seven, thanks to some classic Arabic organisation), I’m finally back in the land of beards, kabsa, and 10 year old boys driving (three things I saw within an hour of being back in the Kingdom). It feels quite nice to be back, especially as my villa is still looking fresh, and most of the teachers are back from their summer holidays.

The latest gossip goes as follows:

- We have six new male teachers arriving imminently. I’m hoping for ones that drink/play sport/watch sport/play risk. 

- We have no new female teachers arriving. The bachelors of Sakaka aren’t happy. 

- A group email went round claiming one of the female teachers has a fake degree, and has been dating various Saudi guys, extremely haram! 

- The compound manager only arrived back today, therefore no one has internet in their villas yet. He was busy marrying his cousin. 

- The notorious ex-crack head project manager, who ruffled a few feathers in the past, may be coming back. 

I’m currently at university. A few of the teachers I thought had left for good have actually returned, which is good to see. There was a worry that we may have had eleven male teachers leaving, and only three new additions coming, but it hasn’t turned out to be so bad so we shouldn’t be teaching too much. 

Today we have the placement tests. The new generation of brilliant young Saudi minds has descended upon the campus, and we have to assess their current level so we can group them accordingly. They’re still cheating, obviously, so some of the top classes will end up with the odd student who can’t even spell his name in English. But such is life. 

More importantly (with respect to maintaining sanity), the social side of life in Al Jouf looks like it will take a turn for the better. The new teachers are young, so volleyball season could recommence soon if enough people are up for it. I also think it’s high time to brew some joy, the Canadian way (a blog on that to come soon, watch this space). I'm back for the third and final round in Saudi Arabia, this one will be the longest, but as it's the home straight I can definitely see the (Brazilian) light at the end of the tunnel.

Instead of writing a blog about my summer holidays I’ll leave you with a link to my facebook album. If you haven’t got facebook, bad luck. If you do but you can’t see them, you’re not friends with me in that capacity. If this is the case, add me. If I don’t accept, take the hint. 

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10100269699898019.2709741.197801537

Speak soon, Insha’Allah x

Chasing the dragon

Don’t worry about the title, I haven’t crossed the border and picked up a new hobby in the poppy fields of Iraq, in fact “Chasing the Dragon” is the title of a mix by one of my favourite DJ’s, Diplo. It’s pretty different to his normal style, which makes it even more impressive, the range of music he knows is ridiculous. I hardly recognised any of the songs, but loved almost all of them. The second half of the set is particularly good. It finishes with Air – Sister Bessie, followed by The Beatles – I Me Mine (their last ever recording).

The track by Air is a classic. It’s not the French AIR (the electronic group responsible for All I Need and Sexy Boy), it’s a far less famous band from the 70’s, who had a self-titled album out in ’71 which has taken me a long time to track down, but now I have it, and it is brilliant.

Well, the link below contains the mix. Please listen to it all the way through, you won’t be disappointed. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve listened to it whilst chilling by the pool, it’s perfect if the sun is out, or at night, or if you wanna relax, or if you appreciate good music, or if you have ears that work. You get the picture.

http://soundcloud.com/somekindofawesome/diplo-chasing-the-dragon-mix

Also, someone (with a lot of time on their hands) has kindly assembled the playlist from the set; it’s only missing a couple of songs. 

http://www.last.fm/music/Diplo/_/MDWWR%252362%2BDiplo%2BChasing%2BThe%2BDragon%2BMix/+wiki?ver=8

One last thing, the set is #62 from the Mad Decent Worldwide Radio podcast, subscribe to it. You will like. Eli Escobar and Lloydski’s set from New York, #68, is also brilliant. Check it out. I’m currently in Dahab, Egypt, when I get back to Saudi I’ll step up my blog game, until then you can just listen to this on repeat. 

Abraços, galera. A gente se fala. 

Somebody, not just anybody

Brian Hinton:
"All human emotion is crystallised here, and subtly vocalised: desire, joy, hope, world weariness, consolation, awe and anticipation"

Listen again. Again? Again and again.

MTV Cribs 2: The Penthouse

It's always sad to see friends leave the compound. Especially sociable ones that drink and play swimming pool volleyball. However, the one silver lining is that new villas become available. Eck and I took advantage of this when summer school started, and made our villa a home. We traded our cat for some speakers, filled up the pool, and stole a couple of chairs. We not have the type of crib P Diddy wishes he could afford. Here are some pictures...

"Nobody gots these"

where we get our tan on

 "it was all a dream"

 where we get our cook on (at the back)

 United scarf, Smith's poster, stolen chairs

 because you gots to have the bump!

 the room, where the magic happens (on skype)

a Spanish pig smoking in Saudi. Haraam ham

 mish mumkin ya pool light

"Ok, you done seen the crib, you done seen the back yard. Ain't gotta go home, but you gotta get the hell outta here"

Abençoado por Deus

The picture below was taken a couple of days ago by my friend in Rio de Janeiro, cidade maravilhosa, my previous and future home.

It's currently winter in Rio, 30 degrees with the sea breeze taking the edge off the heat. If you're reading this in England, in the so-called summer, looking out your window to see grey skies and rain, try not to be too depressed. Instead, do what I did, move to Rio. Now.

This is a simple picture, taking from the Leme end of Copacabana beach, showing a typically relaxed scene that could have been taking on any number of days throughout the year. But this picture alone shows a variety of reasons that make Rio, in my opinion, the best city in the world to live in.

As you can see from the high rise apartment blocks and hotels that line the promenade in front of the beach, Rio is an affluent city. The economy in Brazil is booming. Boosted by a growing middle class and strong domestic trade, it was one of the last countries to enter the recession and one of the first to escape it. Along with Russia, India and China it makes up one fourth of the BRIC union of countries which are expected to represent four of the five strongest economies in the world by 2050. There are plenty of jobs available and they welcome to foreign investment. For expats chasing paper, it is a long term plan that could really pay off.

For those after a quieter, more relaxed life, it's also far more accommodating than you'd expect from a city renowned for it's nightlife. You're never far from a beach, and even a notorious tourist spot like Copacabana is relatively chilled out during the week, as you can see above. The mountains that weave in and out of the city, and so magnificently outline this picture, give the city a beauty and charm that you'll struggle to find anywhere else in the world. 

The weather, buildings, sea and mountains are the things that stand out from this picture, but the smaller details you see are the most important reasons to become an expat: the people. Whether playing football on the beach, playing music in the street, or trying to steal your wallet, the cariocas are a friendly, vibrant and hospitable bunch that you can't fail to get along with. The character of the city comes from it's residents, and this is hard to show in a single photo, even one as good as this. So instead of wasting your money on a holiday elsewhere, come and visit me next year (I'm starting to sound like a Thomas Cook rep), when I return to cidade maravilhosa.

O povo brasileiro continua sorrindo, todos que não vive num país tropical está morando na rua da amargura. Eu vou voltar, ano que vem. Até mais, galera!

Maggie's desert

I've been lazy again, I'm sorry. I'll make an effort to step up my blog game as tomorrow is the last day of university before another welcome, lengthy holiday.

We had the final exams today, I lost my rag with the class I was invigilating; I've never seen such overt and blatant cheating. Another reason to be unimpressed with Saudi's came a couple of nights ago, when we were invited to a delicious feast at the college of Education. They couldn't have been more welcoming and generous towards us Westerners, but the way they treated the Filipino maintenance man there was disgusting. First of all he wasn't allowed to sit with the rest of us whilst everyone enjoyed their post-sunset dates and soft drinks. He was outcast to sit in the corner by himself. Then he came over and spoke to us, just before dinner (which he obviously wasn't invited to). He spoke English well and was an entertaining character; he looked a bit like a pirate and didn't have a full set of teeth. One of the Saudi guys organising the event then proceeded to ask us if we were hungry. The Filipino guy, standing with us, assumed he'd been asked the question, and nodded his head.

"I'm not talking to you"

Was the response delivered bluntly from the Saudi in charge. Perhaps it was said in jest, but he didn't seem to be joking. I've been treated really well since I've been here, but I often wonder whether it would've been different if I'd been from South East Asia or the Subcontinent.

This song is for all my Bangladeshi, Filipino, Indonesian, Nepali, Indian and Pakistani brothers working in the Kingdom, for little pay, in terrible conditions. You may not receive the respect you deserve from your employers, but I certainly respect anyone spending that amount of time away from their homeland, grafting and sending money home for their families.