Joy Division

This recipe was passed on to me by a young Canadian man of great integrity, intellect and honour. The recipe is a labour of love. It is the culmination of months, nay years, of experimentation in the quest to make the perfect glass of joy juice.

Just before the aforementioned Canadian scholar departed the sandy paradise I currently inhabit, he worked with Eck and I to create what was, in my humble opinion, the greatest joy juice ever made in the short history of Sakaka, Al Jouf province. You will find the ingredients listed below, and I will also endeavour to walk you through the process of making it. If you follow my step by step guide and manage to produce a batch anywhere near as good as the famous June 2011 vintage, you will undoubtedly gain the respect of your fellow infidels, whilst quenching their thirst for the forbidden fruit so often consumed inside compounds throughout the Kingdom.

Equipment:

1 large pressure cooker (8 litre capacity is good)

1 plastic cyphering pump

1 gas cooker

A few empty clear plastic bottles to store joy juice in

Ingredients:

8 litres of grape juice; it must have no added preservatives.

7 cups (or glasses) of sugar

6 table spoons of yeast

Method:

Preparation is key when making joy juice. First of all you need to make sure your pressure cooker is thoroughly clean. To do this, boil some water in it and swirl around before pouring out. This will ensure there are no germs present to infect your brew. Hygiene is very important if you want to make a successful batch, this is one of the reasons you’re using a pressure cooker instead of a large bottle or jug.

Add half of the grape juice (4 litres) into the pressure cooker, and place it on the hob. Then heat gently whilst stirring in all of the sugar. Stir until the sugar has dissolved, but make sure the juice does not boil.

Once the sugar has dissolved, turn the heat down and let the juice cool down to a lukewarm temperature. Proceed to stir in all of the yeast; try and do this consistently to avoid the brew becoming lumpy. Stir this mixture around for a few minutes until all the lumps have disappeared and the juice has a smooth consistency. It is very important the juice does not boil.

Turn off the heat and leave the mixture to cool for 30 minutes. During this time the sugar and yeast will react and the juice should bubble.

After the brew has cooled/reacted for 30 minutes, add the other half of the juice (4 litres) into the pressure cooker. Stir again.

Put the lid on the pressure cooker and take it into an air conditioned room. The temperate must be 25 degrees Celsius, and you must leave the air conditioning on this temperate for the whole duration of the brewing process.

Leave the brew to react for 9 days.

On the 9^th day (in the morning), take the lid off your pressure cooker, without moving it, and proceed to carefully pump the joy juice, using your cyphering pump, from the pressure cooker into clear and clean plastic bottles. Do not pump from the very bottom of the pressure cooker, the bottom of the batch will be overly yeasty, and do not pump all of the brew out, leave a small amount at the end (you may lose half a litre at the very most). Place the bottles upright in the fridge, with their lids on, but not screwed on too tightly (they need a bit of breathing space otherwise the pressure may cause an explosion).

On the 9^th day (in the evening), take the bottles out of the fridge and use your cyphering pump to pump the joy juice into new plastic bottles, leaving any yeast at the bottom of the bottles which may have settled by then. Put these newly filled bottles in the fridge, and leave them overnight to chill.

On day 10 your joy juice will be chilled and ready to drink! By now you will have distilled it three times (from pressure cooker to plastic bottle to another plastic bottle), so the taste should not be so yeasty or sour. If you’ve followed the recipe correctly it will, in fact, taste like red wine!

Here are some pictures of the things you’ll need to create the masterpiece.

Disclaimer: all of the above is a joke. A fictional story of a recipe I have never tried to create, and never intend to… Hopefully that should keep the feds off my back (Insha’Allah)

Until next time, fica com Deus