Young man, there's no need to feel down

It's fun to stay at the...

I know what you're thinking: to make fun of such a classic song is downright blasphemous!

Apologies to any Village People fans who may have been offended.

Bedknobs and Broomsticks

A Saudi woman has been executed for practicing "witchcraft and sorcery", the country's interior ministry says.

A statement published by the state news agency said Amina bint Abdul Halim bin Salem Nasser was beheaded on Monday in the northern province of Jawf (Al Jouf, where I live!).

The ministry gave no further details of the charges which the woman faced.

The woman was the second person to be executed for witchcraft in Saudi Arabia this year. A Sudanese man was executed in September. He apparently went by the alias "the black wizard", or "da wizard" to his friends (I may have made that last bit up, sorry)

The London-based newspaper, al-Hayat, quoted a member of the religious police as saying that she was in her 60s and had tricked people into giving her money, claiming that she could cure their illnesses.

A BBC correspondent said she was arrested in April 2009. However, the human rights group Amnesty International, which has campaigned for Saudis previously sentenced to death on sorcery charges, said it had never heard of her case until now, he adds.

In 2007, an Egyptian national was beheaded for allegedly casting spells to try to separate a married couple.

Last year, a Lebanese man facing the death penalty on charges of sorcery, relating to a fortune-telling television programme he presented, was freed after the Saudi Supreme Court decreed that his actions had not harmed anyone.

Amnesty says that Saudi Arabia does not actually define sorcery as a capital offence. However, some of its conservative clerics have urged the strongest possible punishments against fortune-tellers and faith healers as a threat to Islam.

No official pictures have been released, but an artists impression (see above) has been made which apparently accurately portrays the spooky events that occurred in 2009. Let's hope the innocent people of Saudi Arabia aren't subjected to that kind of wizardry again.

El Camino

The Black Keys released their seventh studio album last week, and it's a cracker. The band hired Danger Mouse (of Gnarls Barkley fame) to co-write and co-produce their new album, after the success they had working with him on their album Attack and Release and their breakthrough single from last year, Tighten Up. If you're gonna download any of their albums, I suggest Thickfreakness, it's even better than their latest, El Camino. Anyway, here's my favourite song off their new one, enjoy the drop at 2:06.

P.S. 10 days left in Saudi Arabia, ya Allllaaahhhhh!!

Bringing home the bacon

A crime of passion (perhaps) has been committed against an innocent pig. He/she is, in fact, the only animal of its kind in Al Jouf, Saudi Arabia. The animal in question is unfortunately only in picture form, but is a nice reminder of what I have in store when I return to the land of divorced-lesbian-prostitute-pornstar drivers. I managed to smuggle this postcard of a pig wearing sunglasses and smoking a cigarette through customs, and I thought it was safe. The postcard had taken pride of place above my cooker, stuck firmly onto the cabinet in a defiant position of one who knows he'll never have to witness his fellow pig become a meal for a hungry infidel. However, it pains me to say, he never knew the danger he was in. Someone has unmercifully stolen the postcard and now presumably has the pig hostage, if they haven't already disposed of him.

If anyone has seen the unfortunate little swine, or has heard any rumours regarding his whereabouts, please contact Villa 10, Al Jouf teachers compound, Gara, Saudi Arabia.

And remember, a pig is not just for Christmas (or Ramadan)...

Easy rider

Saudi Arabia, November 18th 2011:

“There will be no more virgins in our country within 10 years if we allow women to drive”

Two months ago, a Saudi Arabian court sentenced a woman to 10 lashes because she was caught driving to hospital. The Saudi King however, decided to revoke the sentence a few days later, amid international embarrassment. The woman in question, Shaima Jastaniya, had Prince Alwaleed bin Talal, Saudi’s richest man, and his wife, Princess Ameerah, to thank for making a personal appeal to the king to spare the young mother. The royal couple have been working hard to improve the image of Saudi Arabia around the world. 

Unfortunately, the story doesn’t end there. No one seems to have ‘informed’ the court in Jeddah, and it has now notified her that the sentence will stand. Shaima has appealed against the verdict, but there are fears that the ultra-conservative clerics within the government want to make an example of her to warn all women in the Kingdom not to drive. Prince Nayef bin Abdul-Aziz, the newly appointed Crown Prince, is more conservative than his half-brother the king, and has been adamant in his opposition to grant women greater freedoms.

Saudi Arabia is the only country to deny women the right to drive. But despite renewed protests against the ban this year, resistance to reform and change remains strong among conservative royals and clerics. 

In a report released by the Majlis al-Ifta’ al-A’ala (Saudi’s highest religious council), it was stated that allowing women to drive would provoke a surge in prostitution, pornography, homosexuality and divorce. Within 10 years of the ban being lifted, it warned, there would be “no more virgins” in the kingdom.

I don’t know what’s more outrageous: To suggest the most religious country in the world will turn into a state where all the women are lesbian pornstars or divorced prostitutes, or to suggest that every single woman in the kingdom will start sleeping around if they get a driver’s license. If what the clerics suggest does actually happen, then on the upside they certainly won’t have as much trouble attracting English teachers to work in the kingdom. At least then the pornstars will be eloquent, cultured and bilingual.

For more on this story, follow this link

http://www.zimbabwemetro.com/?p=30633

Today I didn't even have to use my AK

Three weeks until I'm back in the motherland. Three weeks where I'm not allowed to shave, as part of Decembeard. Three weeks until I can legally drink a pint of bacon with a woman who isn't dressed like a ninja. It's Arabic Sunday, it's pay day, and I'm listening to this. MASHALLAAAHHHH

Crawling out of my cave

It’s been a month since I last posted. I’m sorry, I realise this has put the vast popularity of my blog into jeopardy (the dizzy heights of 7 hits a day have long gone). However, seeing as I only have three weeks left in Saudi Arabia, I’ve decided to blog again. What caused the hiatus? Instead of admitting it was a chronic case of laziness, in addition to an increased focus on my Portuguese studying, I’ll explain it this way: Every Arab needs to go into hiding once in a while. Sadaam did his stint in a hole with a mars bar; Osama took refuge in a Pakistani compound with a couple of porn magazines. As for me, I have been evading the temptations of the lucrative blog world with only a few bottles of joy juice and the company of some fantastic infidels to assist me. However, the hedonistic mayhem of Sakaka can only be enjoyed for so long, and I’m back to put pen to paper and tell you what I’ve been up to.

There has been no shortage of incident in the past month. The teachers were all shocked to find out that one of the female teachers who used to work at the University, had died as soon as she got back to America. In the same week we found this out, I received news that one of my students had died. He was an intelligent and popular young guy, who was in the top English class, and looking forward to going on to study engineering next year. Both of these cases were a real shame, and pretty close to home for the people that work and study here. Both cases were also completely out of the blue.

In other, more mundane but happier news, the social side of compound life keeps improving. For those of you who can’t sense sarcasm, Al Jouf is North-eastern Saudi Arabia is anything but the “hedonistic mayhem” I described it as earlier. However, there is a really good group of people here now, and while I’ll be excited to move on with my life and get back to England and Brazil, I’ll definitely miss some of my colleagues from Al Jouf. They are the ones that make working in an oppressive environment a lot more enjoyable. They are also the reason that term time is much more fun than summer school. Despite the weather being a lot nicer and not working nearly as much during summer school, you get a sense of solitary confinement, and any semblance of a social scene completely evaporates as most of the teachers leave.

I’ll also miss my students. That’s something I thought I wouldn’t say a few months ago, but I’ve been blessed with great classes this semester. I missed one day of work and the next day they brought in chocolates and coffee with a Welcome back Ben note attached. My other group left a message on the white board saying Teacher Ben, the best in Al Jouf. They were also entertaining during the speaking exam:

“I have 3 sister, 8 father”, “I was porn in Jeddah”, “I like listening to pussy”

That last statement really upset our rhythm (Dan and I). We had to tell the student to leave as we couldn’t control our laughter (strange for two such professionals). Perhaps the student was talking about the Pussycat Dolls? We’ll never know.

Since I last spoke to you we’ve had a Halloween party, been quad biking, had the third compound pub crawl, and as the swimming pool volleyball season has come to an end, the land volleyball season has commenced. I’ll post some pictures from the Halloween party and the quad biking below. Unfortunately my camera broke when I fell off the quad bike, down a hill, and the quad bike proceeded to land on me. Fortunately I didn’t break my neck, but it was a bit sore. The third compound pub crawl was a trip through the decades. Darren and Carlin hosted the ‘60s, Rob and Nigel the ‘70s, Richard and Chris the ‘80s, Bill and James the ‘90s, and we finished off at my place where the decades, like the vision of most of the guests at the time, were blurred. This Thursday we will have the Al Jouf Winter Olympics. Here’s a recap of how the summer Olympics went, The Rest of the World want revenge.

http://maisqueumgringo.blogspot.com/2011/04/al-jouf-infidel-olympics-2011.html

I'll leave you with these, and until next time, fica com Deus مع الحب من الصحراء

Halloween

Arabic gardener, Irish magician

Hairy Jordanian

iStomper

Thief

 A common sight

ATVing

Alhamdulillah ya Saudia

The war on breakfast

A thirsty enemy, is a vulnerable enemy

The score

The only rule the students needed to know today.

A day of mourning has commenced. While the Saudi's mourn the loss of Prince Sultan (R.I.P), I mourn yesterday's massacre at Old Trafford. Talking about football is completely off limits now. I think the students know that, today they have been asking if I am OK as if a relative of mine has died. One of them sent me a text message:

"Dear Teacher, I wish you wellness and health and ask God to bless you and return to us soon. Do not get angry because of the defeat of Manchester United, still there 29 games remain until the end of the season. One loss is not the end of the world. Remember what happened last season with Chelsea. See you soon"

Mashallah! A great text to receive, the English is great too, not perfect, but still way beyond anything I encountered last term. The text, the students respect, and the fact that we may well get a big holiday extension to honour the fallen Prince, have been a big silver lining on this dark day.

I'll be back soon with a more upbeat post.

I wanna be adored

Yesterday it was confirmed that The Stone Roses are to reform. They will play two huge shows at Manchester's 75,000 capacity open-air venue, Heaton Park, on June 29th and 30th. Tickets go on sale on Friday morning and will probably sell out in under a minute. After that they will go on a world tour "til the wheels come off". VEM PRO BRASIL! I'm willing to sell coconuts in the favelas for a month to raise money for the ticket if they do end up coming to Brazil. Unfortunately I probably won't be in England when they play in Manchester.

It's been 22 years since their iconic self-titled debut album came out, and I can't remember this much hype about a band getting back together. Mark Ronson tweeted "(Stone Roses) reuniting is a bigger deal than Zeppelin", Liam Gallagher said "not been this happy since my kids were born". Part-time footballer Rio Ferdinand and sprinkler-inventing cricket legend Graeme Swann even chirped in with their excitement.

Here are a couple of videos. Firstly, my favourite song of theirs, I Wanna be Adored. Secondly, part of a documentary about their infamous Spike Island gig in 1990. Enjoy

Sister Bessie

Still loving this track. It's not by the famous, French, and slightly gay (not in a bad way) electronic band Air, it's by the little known 1970's funk band from America, AIR. They were an extremely talented band who never became big, perhaps because their lead singer, Googie Coppola, left the group after their self-titled debut album, and traded her lifestyle as a hedonistic hippie for that of a born again christian.

The song was written by Moogy Klingman, and here he explains what it's all about:

"Someone told me a true story about a nun, who took LSD after falling in love with a hippie, and then made love to him, deciding she would leave the church and the convent. Apparently, the hippie had different ideas and left town quickly. This song is about what he might say to her about his hasty exit, if he said anything at all."

"Sister Bessie don't you say no prayer for me

a slow boats gonna lead me where I'm bound

I'm for to travel far across the distant seas

My destiny will lead me where I'm bound"

Addictive. Brilliant from start to finish, but the start of the second verse at 1:39 is the best bit. They all have great hair too. If your name is Googie or Moogy, you have to have great hair.

Taken from Diplo's Chasing the Dragon mix.

The light

Your man in the Middle East is going home. Firstly to England, for Mike and Kate’s wedding, then Christmas and New Year with the fam and Isabela. After that I’m really going home, back to the best city in the world, Rio de Janeiro, on February 2^nd.

Tô animado pra caralho, mais que você pode imaginar!

I still have almost three months to complete here in Saudi, so I’ve still got a long time left, but the flights are booked and I’ll be back in England on December 22^nd.

I’ve been enjoying Saudi recently, the work is better, the weather is nicer, and most importantly the new recruits are cool, and that’s what makes the biggest difference. In some ways I’ll miss this place – the easy hours, having no pressure, no targets, the great pay, the students, the pool volleyball and the little infidel community we’ve created. However, when I consider what I’m going back to, and what I have ahead of me, it would be impossible to feel sad.

When I handed in my letter of resignation last week I was able to tell the truth. I let my boss know that I’m not resigning because I have a problem with Saudi Arabia, with my job, my colleagues, or the lifestyle here. I’ve enjoyed myself here, and I’m still enjoying myself now. I’ve seen and learnt things I definitely wouldn’t have been able to anywhere else in the world, and I’ve made great friends, both Arabic and Western. I’m leaving a month before my contract ends because an opportunity to work in Brazil has arisen that is too good to turn down, and because I’ll need a few weeks in England to see friends and family before I leave.

In other, more Arabic news, we’ve just completed the first exams of the new term, and my students came out top of the year! Obviously this has everything to do with my teaching, and not the fact they could all speak English well before they’d even had a lesson with me. It is nice having a class you can talk to, instead of having a staring contest with cross-eyed Arabs that can’t even spell their own name (as was the case last term). The only thing I need to worry about now is if the students know their English grammar better than me.

The football tournament has started, and our team (the English department) won last night, in the opening game of the Al Jouf University cup. We beat the I.T. department 3-1 in a frantic game. I scored 2 goals in what one of my students described as a “selfish” performance. “If you don’t shoot you don’t score”, I replied; advice that doesn’t just apply to football, or indeed, sport. The next game is on Thursday (i.e. Arabic Saturday), which couldn’t be worse timing for a team with a penchant for joy juice. However, the show must go on, we need to avenge last term’s defeat in the final at the hands of the infamous Communication Studies department and their bearded superstar (best footballer with a big beard I’ve ever seen).

Due to my schedule and the wild Al Jouf social scene I’ve had to limit my blog to the occasional picture or music video recently, but I’m sure I’ll be able to write again soon as the Hajj holiday is coming up, and I’m going to try and brave the solitude of the compound to save a few Riyals.

Until then, البقاء مع الله

Waking up early

Means you can take pictures like this. I would post a picture of Saudi, but it just doesn't look as good as this. Sunrise in Rio, o melhor no mundo.

courtesy of Bryan Roberts, my fellow paper chasing infidel

Filho Maravilha

I've been listening to Jorge Ben Jor a lot the last couple of days. He's my favourite singer from Brazil, and for you gringos that don't know him, here are a few of his best songs. I haven't even included his most famous hits - País Tropical, Taj Mahal, or Mas Que Nada (made famous by Sergio Mendes). He's been making music since the 60's, so there's a lot to choose from. His music represents everything positive about Brazil, more than any other singer, in my opinion. Not only the sound, but the lyrics and the things he sings about.

Por isso, sem preconceitos eu canto,
Eu canto a fantasia,
Eu canto o amor, eu canto a alegria,
Eu canto a fé, eu canto a paz,
Eu canto a sugestão,
Eu canto na madrugada...

Take it easy my brother Charles

O telefone tocou novamente

Oba, lá vem ela

Carolina Carol Bela

Filho Maravilha (ao vivo)

Enjoy

The great divide

Putting this into perspective on a Monday (Saturday) morning.

Arabic Friday =

Chili Chicken Wednesday!!

The only way to start a weekend.

Haram

Censorship in the Kingdom isn't just confined to certain movies and websites, it has even made it's way into English textbooks. Here are a few examples of the textual cleansing that has been taking place.

1. Kevin... Bacon?

Kevin, being an infidel from the wrong side of the tracks, probably has a penchant for the forbidden fruits of the Western world. That's right, I said "Western world", where we are free to eat pig in any of its forms. Therefore, we can deduce that the missing word may well be 'crack', and if so it's quite right they censored such an anti-social habit.

2. Birthdays are haram

Again, we may be wrong to jump to conclusions here. The title might not be "Dean's gay wedding present", despite that seeming the most obvious fit. Birthdays are not celebrated in Saudi, so 'birthday' may be the missing word, who knows.

3. The good wife

I think we can safely concur that Dave is into some pretty kinky stuff if his description of an ideal woman is completely blacked out. It must have been utter filth, beyond haram for the authorities to even black out his name. An anonymous source from the Ministry of all things Haram has leaked the original document, and it is rumoured to read like this:

Dave: I'm looking for a black Jewish midget with lesbian tendencies.

          She must have experience in the porn industry,

          enjoy pork products, and have a valid drivers license.

          A non-smoker, unless of course the substance is illegal.

          She should not weigh one ounce over 400 pounds.

I think we can safely say the country is in good hands. Perhaps we could do with such protection in the West. Until next time, fica com Deus x

All the women, Independent

The Saudi elite must have been listening to Beyonce, because they've decided to give their women the right to vote and run in future municipal elections. Mashallah. This may even pave the way for a change in the current driving laws, which prohibit women inside the kingdom from doing that which comes so unnaturally to them (joking). Here is the BBC article, all copied and pasted for you. Afwan.

________

Women in Saudi Arabia are to be given the right to vote and run in future municipal elections, King Abdullah has announced.

He said they would also have the right to be appointed to the consultative Shura Council.

The move was welcomed by activists who have called for greater rights for women in the kingdom, which enforces a strict version of Sunni Islamic law.

The changes will occur after municipal polls on Thursday, the king said.

King Abdullah announced the move in a speech at the opening of the new term of the Shura Council - the formal body advising the king, whose members are all appointed.

"Because we refuse to marginalise women in society in all roles that comply with sharia, we have decided, after deliberation with our senior clerics and others... to involve women in the Shura Council as members, starting from next term," he said.

"Women will be able to run as candidates in the municipal election and will even have a right to vote."

Continue reading the main story

The BBC's world affairs correspondent Emily Buchanan says it is an extraordinary development for women in Saudi Arabia, who are not allowed to drive, or to leave the country unaccompanied.

She says there has been a big debate about the role of women in the kingdom and, although not everyone will welcome the decision, such a reform will ease some of the tension that has been growing over the issue.

Saudi writer Nimah Ismail Nawwab told the BBC: "This is something we have long waited for and long worked towards."

She said activists had been campaigning for 20 years on driving, guardianship and voting issues.

Another campaigner, Wajeha al-Huwaider, said the king's announcement was "great news".

"Now it is time to remove other barriers like not allowing women to drive cars and not being able to function, to live a normal life without male guardians," she told Reuters news agency.

Correspondents say King Abdullah has been cautiously pressing for political reforms, but in a country where conservative clerics and some members of the royal family resist change, liberalisation has been very gradual.

In May more than 60 intellectuals called for a boycott of Thursday's ballot saying "municipal councils lack the authority to effectively carry out their role".

Municipal elections are the only public polls in Saudi Arabia.

More than 5,000 men will compete in municipal elections on Thursday - the second-ever in the kingdom - to fill half the seats in local councils. The other half are appointed by the government.

The next municipal elections are due in four years' time.

Girl I didn't know you could get down like that

The new wave

I’m going to have to take back some of the (slightly negative) things I’ve said about Saudi students. My new groups are excellent. One is noticeably better than the other, but they both work hard, don’t cause trouble, arrive on time, don’t ask to leave early and are very obedient. They’re a world away from the borderline retarded classes I was lumbered with in the past.

In a recent writing task one of my students wrote “I like to travel, but certain circumstances mean I can’t”, another wrote “I know this city like the back of my hand”. After six months of reading stuff like “I am go unifersty for bicauz study” it’s a big (and welcome) surprise to teach students who want to learn. Job satisfaction at last!

You still get the occasional bit of unintentional comedy, like this conversation a student wrote yesterday:

Manager: “So, Bilal, you want to be a chef, but what can you cock?”

Bilal: “I can cock Italian food, but I don’t know how to cock chicken”

I didn’t have the heart to point out his mistake, the explanation might have been a bit awkward, and it was written as a conversational dialogue anyway. I just hope he doesn’t ask for a “cook book” for Christmas.

The compound social scene, like my joy juice, is brewing nicely and should bear fruit this weekend with the arrival (apparently), of 17 (seventeen, seriously) new teachers. There’s only space for 9 more teachers on the compound, so I don’t know how that’s going to work. But it’s certainly good news. The new guys that have come to the compound are cool too. Most of them are young; they all drink, play sport, watch sport, play risk and seem to want to get involved socially. When the social core of last term was decimated by summer school and expiring contracts, the prospect of a fun autumn term looked slim, but things have certainly taken a turn for the better in the past couple of weeks.

I haven’t blogged much recently; the schedule has been pretty hectic, so much so we’re currently getting overtime, which is nice. However, I’ll try to remedy this as the new wave of teachers should free up some time in the imminent future. Today is Wednesday, aka Arabic Friday. It’s garlic chilli chicken special day at the Indian restaurant across the street from the University. This is a must have not only because it’s delicious, but also because it signifies the start of the weekend. Garlic chilli chicken on a Wednesday lunchtime in Al Jouf is the equivalent of that after work pint on a Friday afternoon in England. Back to the compound in a few hours, the joy juice is on ice, and it’s the start of a three day weekend thanks to a Saudi national holiday this Saturday. Mashallah, let’s drink!

I do it for the fore-fathers and the street authors

Have love, will travel

I'm still alive.