Haram

Censorship in the Kingdom isn't just confined to certain movies and websites, it has even made it's way into English textbooks. Here are a few examples of the textual cleansing that has been taking place.

1. Kevin... Bacon?

Kevin, being an infidel from the wrong side of the tracks, probably has a penchant for the forbidden fruits of the Western world. That's right, I said "Western world", where we are free to eat pig in any of its forms. Therefore, we can deduce that the missing word may well be 'crack', and if so it's quite right they censored such an anti-social habit.

2. Birthdays are haram

Again, we may be wrong to jump to conclusions here. The title might not be "Dean's gay wedding present", despite that seeming the most obvious fit. Birthdays are not celebrated in Saudi, so 'birthday' may be the missing word, who knows.

3. The good wife

I think we can safely concur that Dave is into some pretty kinky stuff if his description of an ideal woman is completely blacked out. It must have been utter filth, beyond haram for the authorities to even black out his name. An anonymous source from the Ministry of all things Haram has leaked the original document, and it is rumoured to read like this:

Dave: I'm looking for a black Jewish midget with lesbian tendencies.

          She must have experience in the porn industry,

          enjoy pork products, and have a valid drivers license.

          A non-smoker, unless of course the substance is illegal.

          She should not weigh one ounce over 400 pounds.

I think we can safely say the country is in good hands. Perhaps we could do with such protection in the West. Until next time, fica com Deus x

All the women, Independent

The Saudi elite must have been listening to Beyonce, because they've decided to give their women the right to vote and run in future municipal elections. Mashallah. This may even pave the way for a change in the current driving laws, which prohibit women inside the kingdom from doing that which comes so unnaturally to them (joking). Here is the BBC article, all copied and pasted for you. Afwan.

________

Women in Saudi Arabia are to be given the right to vote and run in future municipal elections, King Abdullah has announced.

He said they would also have the right to be appointed to the consultative Shura Council.

The move was welcomed by activists who have called for greater rights for women in the kingdom, which enforces a strict version of Sunni Islamic law.

The changes will occur after municipal polls on Thursday, the king said.

King Abdullah announced the move in a speech at the opening of the new term of the Shura Council - the formal body advising the king, whose members are all appointed.

"Because we refuse to marginalise women in society in all roles that comply with sharia, we have decided, after deliberation with our senior clerics and others... to involve women in the Shura Council as members, starting from next term," he said.

"Women will be able to run as candidates in the municipal election and will even have a right to vote."

Continue reading the main story

The BBC's world affairs correspondent Emily Buchanan says it is an extraordinary development for women in Saudi Arabia, who are not allowed to drive, or to leave the country unaccompanied.

She says there has been a big debate about the role of women in the kingdom and, although not everyone will welcome the decision, such a reform will ease some of the tension that has been growing over the issue.

Saudi writer Nimah Ismail Nawwab told the BBC: "This is something we have long waited for and long worked towards."

She said activists had been campaigning for 20 years on driving, guardianship and voting issues.

Another campaigner, Wajeha al-Huwaider, said the king's announcement was "great news".

"Now it is time to remove other barriers like not allowing women to drive cars and not being able to function, to live a normal life without male guardians," she told Reuters news agency.

Correspondents say King Abdullah has been cautiously pressing for political reforms, but in a country where conservative clerics and some members of the royal family resist change, liberalisation has been very gradual.

In May more than 60 intellectuals called for a boycott of Thursday's ballot saying "municipal councils lack the authority to effectively carry out their role".

Municipal elections are the only public polls in Saudi Arabia.

More than 5,000 men will compete in municipal elections on Thursday - the second-ever in the kingdom - to fill half the seats in local councils. The other half are appointed by the government.

The next municipal elections are due in four years' time.

Girl I didn't know you could get down like that

The new wave

I’m going to have to take back some of the (slightly negative) things I’ve said about Saudi students. My new groups are excellent. One is noticeably better than the other, but they both work hard, don’t cause trouble, arrive on time, don’t ask to leave early and are very obedient. They’re a world away from the borderline retarded classes I was lumbered with in the past.

In a recent writing task one of my students wrote “I like to travel, but certain circumstances mean I can’t”, another wrote “I know this city like the back of my hand”. After six months of reading stuff like “I am go unifersty for bicauz study” it’s a big (and welcome) surprise to teach students who want to learn. Job satisfaction at last!

You still get the occasional bit of unintentional comedy, like this conversation a student wrote yesterday:

Manager: “So, Bilal, you want to be a chef, but what can you cock?”

Bilal: “I can cock Italian food, but I don’t know how to cock chicken”

I didn’t have the heart to point out his mistake, the explanation might have been a bit awkward, and it was written as a conversational dialogue anyway. I just hope he doesn’t ask for a “cook book” for Christmas.

The compound social scene, like my joy juice, is brewing nicely and should bear fruit this weekend with the arrival (apparently), of 17 (seventeen, seriously) new teachers. There’s only space for 9 more teachers on the compound, so I don’t know how that’s going to work. But it’s certainly good news. The new guys that have come to the compound are cool too. Most of them are young; they all drink, play sport, watch sport, play risk and seem to want to get involved socially. When the social core of last term was decimated by summer school and expiring contracts, the prospect of a fun autumn term looked slim, but things have certainly taken a turn for the better in the past couple of weeks.

I haven’t blogged much recently; the schedule has been pretty hectic, so much so we’re currently getting overtime, which is nice. However, I’ll try to remedy this as the new wave of teachers should free up some time in the imminent future. Today is Wednesday, aka Arabic Friday. It’s garlic chilli chicken special day at the Indian restaurant across the street from the University. This is a must have not only because it’s delicious, but also because it signifies the start of the weekend. Garlic chilli chicken on a Wednesday lunchtime in Al Jouf is the equivalent of that after work pint on a Friday afternoon in England. Back to the compound in a few hours, the joy juice is on ice, and it’s the start of a three day weekend thanks to a Saudi national holiday this Saturday. Mashallah, let’s drink!

I do it for the fore-fathers and the street authors

Have love, will travel

I'm still alive.

Joy Division

This recipe was passed on to me by a young Canadian man of great integrity, intellect and honour. The recipe is a labour of love. It is the culmination of months, nay years, of experimentation in the quest to make the perfect glass of joy juice.

Just before the aforementioned Canadian scholar departed the sandy paradise I currently inhabit, he worked with Eck and I to create what was, in my humble opinion, the greatest joy juice ever made in the short history of Sakaka, Al Jouf province. You will find the ingredients listed below, and I will also endeavour to walk you through the process of making it. If you follow my step by step guide and manage to produce a batch anywhere near as good as the famous June 2011 vintage, you will undoubtedly gain the respect of your fellow infidels, whilst quenching their thirst for the forbidden fruit so often consumed inside compounds throughout the Kingdom.

Equipment:

1 large pressure cooker (8 litre capacity is good)

1 plastic cyphering pump

1 gas cooker

A few empty clear plastic bottles to store joy juice in

Ingredients:

8 litres of grape juice; it must have no added preservatives.

7 cups (or glasses) of sugar

6 table spoons of yeast

Method:

Preparation is key when making joy juice. First of all you need to make sure your pressure cooker is thoroughly clean. To do this, boil some water in it and swirl around before pouring out. This will ensure there are no germs present to infect your brew. Hygiene is very important if you want to make a successful batch, this is one of the reasons you’re using a pressure cooker instead of a large bottle or jug.

Add half of the grape juice (4 litres) into the pressure cooker, and place it on the hob. Then heat gently whilst stirring in all of the sugar. Stir until the sugar has dissolved, but make sure the juice does not boil.

Once the sugar has dissolved, turn the heat down and let the juice cool down to a lukewarm temperature. Proceed to stir in all of the yeast; try and do this consistently to avoid the brew becoming lumpy. Stir this mixture around for a few minutes until all the lumps have disappeared and the juice has a smooth consistency. It is very important the juice does not boil.

Turn off the heat and leave the mixture to cool for 30 minutes. During this time the sugar and yeast will react and the juice should bubble.

After the brew has cooled/reacted for 30 minutes, add the other half of the juice (4 litres) into the pressure cooker. Stir again.

Put the lid on the pressure cooker and take it into an air conditioned room. The temperate must be 25 degrees Celsius, and you must leave the air conditioning on this temperate for the whole duration of the brewing process.

Leave the brew to react for 9 days.

On the 9^th day (in the morning), take the lid off your pressure cooker, without moving it, and proceed to carefully pump the joy juice, using your cyphering pump, from the pressure cooker into clear and clean plastic bottles. Do not pump from the very bottom of the pressure cooker, the bottom of the batch will be overly yeasty, and do not pump all of the brew out, leave a small amount at the end (you may lose half a litre at the very most). Place the bottles upright in the fridge, with their lids on, but not screwed on too tightly (they need a bit of breathing space otherwise the pressure may cause an explosion).

On the 9^th day (in the evening), take the bottles out of the fridge and use your cyphering pump to pump the joy juice into new plastic bottles, leaving any yeast at the bottom of the bottles which may have settled by then. Put these newly filled bottles in the fridge, and leave them overnight to chill.

On day 10 your joy juice will be chilled and ready to drink! By now you will have distilled it three times (from pressure cooker to plastic bottle to another plastic bottle), so the taste should not be so yeasty or sour. If you’ve followed the recipe correctly it will, in fact, taste like red wine!

Here are some pictures of the things you’ll need to create the masterpiece.

Disclaimer: all of the above is a joke. A fictional story of a recipe I have never tried to create, and never intend to… Hopefully that should keep the feds off my back (Insha’Allah)

Until next time, fica com Deus

Back on the block

After a mission back from Egypt to Jordan (a boat that was supposed to take one hour actually took seven, thanks to some classic Arabic organisation), I’m finally back in the land of beards, kabsa, and 10 year old boys driving (three things I saw within an hour of being back in the Kingdom). It feels quite nice to be back, especially as my villa is still looking fresh, and most of the teachers are back from their summer holidays.

The latest gossip goes as follows:

- We have six new male teachers arriving imminently. I’m hoping for ones that drink/play sport/watch sport/play risk. 

- We have no new female teachers arriving. The bachelors of Sakaka aren’t happy. 

- A group email went round claiming one of the female teachers has a fake degree, and has been dating various Saudi guys, extremely haram! 

- The compound manager only arrived back today, therefore no one has internet in their villas yet. He was busy marrying his cousin. 

- The notorious ex-crack head project manager, who ruffled a few feathers in the past, may be coming back. 

I’m currently at university. A few of the teachers I thought had left for good have actually returned, which is good to see. There was a worry that we may have had eleven male teachers leaving, and only three new additions coming, but it hasn’t turned out to be so bad so we shouldn’t be teaching too much. 

Today we have the placement tests. The new generation of brilliant young Saudi minds has descended upon the campus, and we have to assess their current level so we can group them accordingly. They’re still cheating, obviously, so some of the top classes will end up with the odd student who can’t even spell his name in English. But such is life. 

More importantly (with respect to maintaining sanity), the social side of life in Al Jouf looks like it will take a turn for the better. The new teachers are young, so volleyball season could recommence soon if enough people are up for it. I also think it’s high time to brew some joy, the Canadian way (a blog on that to come soon, watch this space). I'm back for the third and final round in Saudi Arabia, this one will be the longest, but as it's the home straight I can definitely see the (Brazilian) light at the end of the tunnel.

Instead of writing a blog about my summer holidays I’ll leave you with a link to my facebook album. If you haven’t got facebook, bad luck. If you do but you can’t see them, you’re not friends with me in that capacity. If this is the case, add me. If I don’t accept, take the hint. 

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10100269699898019.2709741.197801537

Speak soon, Insha’Allah x

Chasing the dragon

Don’t worry about the title, I haven’t crossed the border and picked up a new hobby in the poppy fields of Iraq, in fact “Chasing the Dragon” is the title of a mix by one of my favourite DJ’s, Diplo. It’s pretty different to his normal style, which makes it even more impressive, the range of music he knows is ridiculous. I hardly recognised any of the songs, but loved almost all of them. The second half of the set is particularly good. It finishes with Air – Sister Bessie, followed by The Beatles – I Me Mine (their last ever recording).

The track by Air is a classic. It’s not the French AIR (the electronic group responsible for All I Need and Sexy Boy), it’s a far less famous band from the 70’s, who had a self-titled album out in ’71 which has taken me a long time to track down, but now I have it, and it is brilliant.

Well, the link below contains the mix. Please listen to it all the way through, you won’t be disappointed. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve listened to it whilst chilling by the pool, it’s perfect if the sun is out, or at night, or if you wanna relax, or if you appreciate good music, or if you have ears that work. You get the picture.

http://soundcloud.com/somekindofawesome/diplo-chasing-the-dragon-mix

Also, someone (with a lot of time on their hands) has kindly assembled the playlist from the set; it’s only missing a couple of songs. 

http://www.last.fm/music/Diplo/_/MDWWR%252362%2BDiplo%2BChasing%2BThe%2BDragon%2BMix/+wiki?ver=8

One last thing, the set is #62 from the Mad Decent Worldwide Radio podcast, subscribe to it. You will like. Eli Escobar and Lloydski’s set from New York, #68, is also brilliant. Check it out. I’m currently in Dahab, Egypt, when I get back to Saudi I’ll step up my blog game, until then you can just listen to this on repeat. 

Abraços, galera. A gente se fala.