Chilling

courtesy of Sebinho

Return of the King

I've been teaching for almost a week now, and i'll let you know about that soon, but first I'll give you an example of the daily madness that seems to happen here.

King Abdullah bin Abdul-Aziz flew back from the USA today, after a successful medical operation. He's been away from the Kingdom for 3 months, so to celebrate his return they're having a national holiday on Saturday! Which means a 3 day weekend for me. Long live the King. As part of these celebrations (I think), Dr Yousef made all 20 of the male Western teachers walk into the street and give out flowers to passing cars. It was bizarre. Walking through a disused car park all wearing suits and sunglasses it was like a scene from Reservoir Dogs (Reservoir Infidels, perhaps), except instead of guns we were armed with flowers. Giving out roses to random Arabs driving past is a pretty camp act for such a homophobic country. I certainly didn't mind though, it's a lot easier than teaching. One of the teachers, Carlton, refused to do it:

"I'm getting paid to teach, giving out flowers in the street is not in my contract"

Fortunately not all of the teachers are as contractual as Carlton, and diplomatic links between the West and the Royal Kingdom of Saudi Arabia were strengthened with a single gesture, all document by photographers from the local paper. I'll post some pictures when they're published.

MTV Cribs, Saudi Arabia

"Nobody gots these"

Put your hands up for Al Jouf

I’m finally here, I arrived at my desert retreat yesterday, and it is literally in the middle of nowhere.

The epic journey from Riyadh to Al Jouf began at 2am on Thursday. Our flight wasn’t till 05:45, but Osama wanted to take us to the airport early as he had to pick up another teacher. I’ll miss Osama, the friendly, tireless Jordanian who is worked like a dog by Al Khaleej, 7 days a week for a very low wage that just about supports his wife and kids. He eats for free because he always joins the new arrivals for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and they pay for him; some more willingly than others. I didn’t mind as the food is so cheap here, he’s extremely helpful and has a pretty raw deal. He’s a good man with good morals but I was surprised how even he, who has lived in England and Australia before, has been brainwashed by the media here.

“You know Ben, Saddam Hussein was a good guy. I mean, who else would give free healthcare and education to their people?”

I felt like saying Hitler or Stalin, but thought I’d stay diplomatically silent, and I decided against discussing Saddam’s ethnic cleansing of the Kurds. Anyway, I digress, on with my odyssey.

We passed through customs without any fuss (the guidebook does make that process sound more daunting than it really is), said our farewells to Osama and then waited in the departure lounge for about two and a half hours. Jeremy and I went to sit down and then realised we had entered the female section; the give-away being we were surrounded by burka-clad characters who all looked like Darth Vader and we were getting disapproving looks from the men sitting in the area adjacent to us. We promptly moved. I had read about the segregation of women in the Kingdom, but even after a week here the extent of it still shocks me. When we got on the plane this nonsense (this part of their culture, sorry) continued, as people were moved from one seat to another like a game of gender based musical chairs (jogo das cadeiras!). After about half an hour of kerfuffle the plane was ready to take off.

The flight was smooth, Saudi Airways give you a lot of leg room and there wasn’t much turbulence. The only negative being the food; an omelette that was drier than Ghandi’s sandals, and the gentleman sitting next to me, who smelt like a mix of cumin and body odour and looked at me as if he wanted to unleash jihad on my infidel self. I sat there and focused on my edition of Arab News, making sure I didn’t meet eyes with him. The plane landed and we were in Al Jouf.

The airport is tiny and in the middle of the desert. One of the other teachers here told me they want to make Al Jouf airport international, surprising considering it only consists of a landing strip and a small building which you can walk through in about 10 seconds. I picked up my bag and the Al Khaleej rep greeted us and took us to the car. As we drove for 20 minutes from the airport to the compound I was feeling happy to be out of the hustle and bustle of Riyadh, and I was enjoying the desert landscape. We arrived at the compound at 08:30, and I was dropped at my villa, number 16. I opened the blue gate and was impressed by the size of the place, considering it’s for two people to share. The back garden has a swimming pool, and leads to a spacious one level villa with a big living room, kitchen, two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a spare room and a laundry room. There are 20 villas in the compound and I think they’re all identical. There’s also a gym, table tennis table, pool table and table football, which I haven’t had the chance to find yet.

I’m living with Nick, an English guy who’s about my age; he also worked in South America (Colombia) before coming to Saudi. He’s been here a year so the house is already kitted out, which is nice, and I was delighted to find out he’s bought the Al Jazeera football package so we can watch Champions League football. He’s an Arsenal fan, but nobody’s perfect.

After a quick trip to the supermarket (a 20 minute bus ride) to get some essentials, I gratefully unpacked my stuff and then went to the next door villa as they were having a birthday party for Laura, one of the teachers. It was a good day to arrive, I got to meet almost all of the teachers, the sun was out and it was the beginning of the weekend. I start work tomorrow, so today I’m going to get to know the place a bit better and continue to settle in. I’ll be in touch soon, and post pictures tomorrow if and when I get internet that works properly.

Top 5 United goals this season

so far...

1. Wayne Rooney vs Manchester City, winning goal, 12/02/11
http://www.101greatgoals.com/videodisplay/golazo!-wayne-rooney-manchester-city-8477708/

You’ve been having your worst season since you’ve joined the club, pundits and fans alike are ripping you to shreds, claiming all the goals you scored in the previous 5 seasons were flukes. You’re not having the best game, and it’s a vital one, drawing 1-1 with the bitter city rivals, only 15 minutes to go in a game that could go either way, a crucial moment in the title race with Arsenal hot on your heels. Nani sends in a high ball from the right, in a split second you have to adjust your position and leap into the air, improvise as the ball is behind you and in no position to head. Your right boot catches the ball perfectly and it flies into the top corner, Joe Hart rooted to the spot and the Stretford End delirious. Try 100 times and you couldn’t do that again, you won’t see a better chilena. Take a bow

2. Dimitar Berbatov vs Liverpool, second goal, 19/09/10

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Zx5qy0X5n0

Many thought the goal of the season competition ended on September 19^th when Berbatov controlled a wide ball from Nani with his knee, flicked it up and then scored an overhead kick off the underside of the crossbar. Sublime control, technique and execution.  It was Berbatov’s second goal of a hat trick that consigned the mid-table club from Merseyside to the kind of misery they’ve become accustomed to over the past two decades.

3. Dimitar Berbatov vs Blackburn, hat trick goal, 27/11/10

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fAbnhuDLlQg (at 2:28)

The best United team goal of the season, started and finished by Berbatov in what must be the individual performance of the season, scoring 5 goals against a torrid Blackburn. A fitting hat trick goal, he picked it up in his own half, played a delightful one-two with Evra before majestically spraying the ball out wide to Nani with the outside of his right foot. Nani’s trickery took him past the Blackburn full back before laying it off for Berbatov to stroke in the top left hand corner, leaving Paul Robinson no chance.

4. Luis Nani vs Blackburn, 27/11/10

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_d-OxZ_hxs&feature=related (at 3:35)

The second best United team goal of the season, coming in the same match as the goal above. Nani assisted the top 3 goals in this list, and scored the other 2. In my opinion the best player in the Premiership this season. 9 goals and 13 assists so far, including a number of game winning performances. Stepping out from the shadow of another greasy Latino who once graced the hallowed turf of Old Trafford, Nani has taken his time to develop but is now one of our best and most influential players.

5. Luis Nani vs Bolton, 26/09/10

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSJ3YpeDcYc (at 2:59)

Nani doing his best Cristiano impression, picking the ball up in his own half then marauding through the Bolton midfield and defence with pace and power before hitting a right foot shot low into the bottom left hand corner.

Nani’s left foot rocket vs Bursaspor , Chicharito’s back-header against Stoke, and Rooney’s opener against Villa are other notable goals from a “poor” United team. We’ll be lucky if we make the top 4 this season, if you believe Piers Morgan.

We'll do what we want. 

I gotta testify, come up in the spot looking extra fly

Due to its vast wealth, derived from massive oil resources, Saudi Arabia has the latest in consumer goods ranging from cars to electronics. The supermarkets here, for example, have most of the products you’d find in a British or American store. However, when it comes to supermarket fashion, the Saudi’s are a little bit behind us infidels. It’s like being transported back to the 1980’s, or Eastern Europe, or Dirk Kuyt’s wardrobe (how I imagine it anyway). Expect me to make the following items big in 2012…

The grey 2 piece track suit, for the casual, urban, Arab. The unofficial uniform for middle-aged porn directors has made its way to the Kingdom

Green cannabis hoody with “ren” logo and fluffy lining. A personal favourite and a must have for any wigga, or Saudi Arabian with an eye for irony

Nike Air Jerusalem’s. Making women all over the Middle East hot under the burka since records began

I might come back wearing all three at once. زواج أزياء

A gringo in limbo

Since I’ve landed I’ve noticed that things aren’t always as they seem in Saudi Arabia. No, I haven’t unravelled a burka to find a six inch surprise (thank god), I’m talking about the disorganised nature of the Saudi people, or maybe it’s just my employers – they make the coconut vendors in Brazil seem like the CIA. First of all, I’d just like to say, on record, that they’ve been very helpful, and answered any questions I’ve had, and I have been reliably informed by other teachers that they always pay on time and pay well. Regarding my impending transfer from Riyadh to Al Jouf, however, plans seem to change on an almost hourly basis. 

After paying through the teeth and lugging myself up to Leeds to have a medical before I flew out, I expected that to be that in terms of health examinations. How wrong could I have been? Osama picked us up from the hotel yesterday and took us to Pearly Smile clinic (who came up with that name?!) to have a blood, urine and stool sample taken. Yes you did read the last part of that sentence correctly. I won’t go into detail but let’s just say my collection technique was flawed and it’s an episode I really hope I forget in the near future. 

We were then told the five of us (Jeremy, Carlos, Darren, Carlton and I) would have to be driven from Riyadh to Al Jouf because we couldn’t get a flight. That’s a 10 hour drive, and a 20 hour round trip for the long-suffering Osama. We had just about accepted this when a beaming Osama greeted us later that evening with the bombshell that Jeremy and I needed to pack our bags and be downstairs in 15 minutes, as we were flying business class to Al Jouf that night. After being told we “definitely had a seat” when we first arrived at check-in, our hopes were dashed when, half an hour before take-off, they said the plane was full. 

Any slight disappointment I may have had about the delay in getting to Al Jouf (I look forward to unpacking properly and settling in), was soon forgotten as Osama said our new departure date would be Thursday the 17^th, meaning we’ll have 4 more days sitting by the hotel pool in the sun relaxing, whilst still getting paid. This also means we’ll be arriving at the start of the weekend. For anyone who doesn’t know, the working week in Saudi Arabia (as well as the majority of the Middle East) runs from Saturday to Wednesday. Having the opportunity to get used to the compound and meet my neighbours will be much appreciated before I start work next Saturday. That is, of course, if my plans don’t get changed again. Inshallah they won’t, and if they do, I’ll keep reminding myself to be pragmatic and remember the primary reason I’m here…

"La ilaha illa Allah, ha la ili, hay yo"

"Salaam ali kum, my name is Osama. Welcome to Riyadh"

I made it, and to be honest, it was a lot less stressful than I had imagined. For a start, the plane was barely a quarter full, and I had two seats to myself. Next to me was a Saudi Arabian girl named Zeinab, and behind me, coincidentally, was Jeremy, another gringo being sent to work for Al Khaleej Training & Education. It turns out Jeremy is also going to work in Al Jouf, and it’s also his first time in the Kingdom, so it’s nice to have someone else in the same boat. He’s going to work here for a year or two to pay for his daughter to go through University; a reason far more noble than my greedy plan to get back to Brazil with a fist full of Reais. Zainab is at Uni in Northampton, training to be a doctor. She’s back visiting her family in Damman, and plans to work in Riyadh after she’s graduated. After reading about the role of women in Saudi society, I was surprised at how independent and friendly she seemed, and she also had some reassuring things to say about life in Saudi Arabia. I was becoming less daunted by the prospect of spending a year in the Kingdom.

Half way through the 6 hour flight, for want of a better description, a pissed-up scouse bird (translation for my non-British readers: intoxicated lady of Liverpudlian descent), accosted me as I was walking back to my seat from the bathroom:

“Eh, mate, yer goin’ t’work in Riyadh like?”

“Yes, well, actually I’m going to Al Jouf”

“Where the fook’s tha?!”

“It’s in the des...”

“Nevermind lad, yer gonna fookin’ lov it! Take me fer example, I’m in Riyadh getting off me tits all the time, and getting’ paid 3 grand a month!”

“Isn’t it dangerous getting drunk in Saudi?”

“Aye mate, like I give a fook, ere, give me yer number and if yer in Riyadh I’ll introduce you to me mates”

“Ok, umm, I’m just going back to my seat for a bit, but I’ll bring a pen later and write it down”

I proceeded to avoid her like the Plague, which wasn’t too difficult considering she soon passed out in a drunken stupor, and then staggered off the plane as soon as we landed. Seeing a drunk, white, scouse girl stumble about in a Burka, made me think of the fancy dress parties that used to take place in Leeds. Except her punishment for getting caught wouldn’t be a couple of embarrassing pictures on facebook, it would be 100 lashings and a night in a Saudi prison (a sobering thought, and motivation enough to stay sober).

As we landed on Saudi Arabian soil I was preparing myself mentally for a long wait to get through passport control and customs.  My guidebook had suggested I could be in for an ordeal lasting 2 hours, where the entirety of my luggage would be scrutinised to the smallest detail by some heavily armed Saudi national with a vendetta against the white man. In actual fact, the process couldn’t have been smoother. After queuing for no more than 10 minutes, the guy at the immigration desk seemed very affable as he smiled and said “you teacher, ok teacher, you can pass teacher”. I didn’t have to wait at all to pick up my luggage, and it passed briskly through the x-ray at customs without any questions asked, or any request to see the contents of my laptop. As soon as Jeremy and I walked outside we saw a chubby, happy looking Arab holding a card high above his head with our names, and the name of another teacher, Carlos, written on it. “Salaam ali kum, my name is Osama. Welcome to Riyadh”.

I won’t bore you with every little detail and an in depth description of everything I’ve seen or done since I’ve landed, as this post has already gone on too long. I’ll just add a couple of quick observations and pieces of information. First of all, the people seem welcoming, far less hostile than I’d imagined. Secondly, at night it’s pretty cold, around 8 degrees yesterday, I’m glad I brought my coat. I’m staying in a comfortable hotel surrounded by restaurants and shops. I met Waleed today and he said we’ll be flying to Al Jouf on Monday, to start training on Tuesday, but our pay starts from yesterday, which is excellent news. So I’ve got a few days in Riyadh to acclimatise and get to know the area, whilst still earning money and staying for free in a hotel. It also means, inshallah, I’ll get to watch the Manchester derby on Saturday. I’ll post some pictures soon.

A gente se fala. Ben x

The evening after the night before

Last night was my last chance to enjoy the intoxicating pleasures of the Western World with my fellow infidels, and enjoy it I certainly did. Cheers to everyone who turned up, it was a great night. Today the mood is a lot more mellow, and I'm glad to have escaped London and returned home. Now it's time to do the best legal thing you can possibly do on a Sunday evening, wherever you are in the world - listen to music, and particularly this song by John Martyn, which I quite simply can't get enough of. This is the sort of song I imagine Dimitar Berbatov listening to, whilst playing chess in a velvet smoking jacket in his Bulgarian countryside retreat. It really is that chilled out. In other news, my flight ticket came today, I leave on Wednesday, the Royal Kingdom of Saudi Arabia awaits.

I'm not a business man, I'm a business, man

The contract. It literally could say anything and I'd be none the wiser. Hopefully one of the squiggles means "well paid English teacher" and not "voluntary camel trader", Waleed gave me his word..

My new book (my new bible), A Survival Guide to Customs and Etiquette in Saudi Arabia, suggests that Arabs are unlikely to have quite the same regard for contracts as their Western counterparts:

"Whether your employment contract is worth more than the paper it's written on depends mainly on the co-operation of your Saudi employer"

The optimist in me interprets the above quote as this:

If those squiggles do say I'm getting paid £3 a day to work in a shisha cafe, at least the contract won't be water tight! Inshallah it'll all go smoothly. الكلام في وقت قريب ، بن

Our Man in the Middle East

Next week I fly from London Heathrow to Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. It seems like only yesterday I was (emotionally) waving goodbye to Brazil, and now, with a mixture of nerves and excitement, I’m on the verge of a very different experience. Since I accepted the offer to work in Saudi for a year, the reaction from friends and family has been a mixture of laughter, surprise, concerned expletives, and encouraging comments like “you’re going to get stoned and have your balls cut off”. 

Yes, the Royal Kingdom of Saudi Arabia couldn’t be more different from England or Brazil – my country of birth, and my country of preference. Why am I going? I’d be lying if I said the primary reason isn’t financial. However, I’ve always believed that change can do you good. Being thrust into a new culture and environment won’t be easy, but learning about it will surely be beneficial, especially if I can avoid being publicly flogged. It's time to say goodbye to the hedonism of Europe and South America and see how I fare in one of the strictest and most autocratic regimes in the world.

I want to use this blog to keep in contact with the friends and family that I miss and love, write down my random thoughts, life updates, share music, share photos, reminisce, look to the future and generally rant. I’m hoping it’ll be therapeutic for me to write, and entertaining for you to read, and if I can beat Oli’s http://beforetheblogs.com/ average hit count of 4 a day, I’ll be delighted. Wish me luck. Abraços